I was once a great multitasker. I can hardly believe myself when I look back a few months and remember the things I was able to do at work. I was like an automaton; I was a machine. I hated it, sure, but other people admired me for my ability to do so many things at once and still remain polite and on the positive side of a breakdown. What happened? How did I get from there to here? Now the idea of "one thing at a time" has been taken to the extreme. I feel like I've been turned off. I'm not interested in anything anymore. If I don't get something done, there's no guilt; there's no stress. I just don't care anymore. I don't feel anything when I finish a project that's been plaguing me for weeks. There's no sense of relief or release. It's just another day. Once I finish something, I go back to doing nothing. And I mean nothing. It doesn't matter if I'm in front of the TV or the computer, reading a book or deep in conversation. It's all the same for me. I'm really not a fan of this emotional stagnation. It seems to have nothing to do with anything, but it happens all the time. It'll just show up one day and drag me down until I don't notice it, and then it disappears as quickly and quietly as it came. I don't know how it happens, and I don't know how to get rid of it. It's like an outside apathetic force that envelops me in a state of transience. I try so hard to avoid it when I'm doing okay, but it always catches up to me in the end. It would be frustrating, but right now it just feels kid of disappointing. Everything's been put on hold for a while, and I'm afraid it won't be back to normal until sometime next term. I miss being able to work.
Sorry if I brought you down. I'll probably feel better tomorrow.
I miss you all like you wouldn't beieve.
2 comments:
You know, your words sound very familiar to me, from 3 different circumstances in my life:
#1: part way through grade 11, when I randomly stopped feeling stress, then noticed I was feeling less and less in general, then noticed all I was feeling was perpetual low-ness. The reason: I was in the midst of a major depressive episode.
#2: throughout grade 12 when I noticed that I really didn't care about anything and was distressed that my compassion was almost nil.
The reason: concerta was an evil drug for me and it made me stop caring, thus I needed to get off of it.
#3: Throughout 1st year, when I was never really stressed about anything, never felt like a bad person when I didn't get things done, and my memories became less emotionally significant.
The reason: my coping mechanisms were shifting from 'adolescent' to 'young adult' (and I didn't just arbitrarily decide this, it was suggested by my psychiatrist and psychologist when I expressed concern about these changes and they both pretty much said 'sounds to me like you're just aging' and I was all 'oh. okay. nevermindthen').
So I'm not presuming at all that the reason why you're experiencing this is any of the above, but just thought I'd share that with you in case any of it sounds like a possibility. I think we need to have one of our intense 4 hour chats about life sometime in the near future...
ps: I LOVE YOU TEETER!
Arg, I know what you mean. I don't do anything nowadays, seriously. It's actually pretty ridiculous and getting to the point where I seriously wonder if I am going to be able to finish my University courses. The problem is that I just can't really get myself to care that much which I partly attribute to not really wanting to do them/not having a reason (like I did last year) to having plenty of things to distract myself with.
And since I am such a fiend, I shall now illustrate my point:
this would be my day today.
1) get up, go to ballet class
2) come home, climg into bed, sleep
3) go upstairs and eat food even though I am not hungry
4) get distracted
5) procure psychology textbook and read the rest of the chapter section (not even a chapter, just one of those little bits ie. 1.1, 1.2, one of the .1's)
6) decide I deserve a break, take one for a ridiculously long time, accomplishing nothing useful
7) return to schoolage, take notes on approximately two inches worth of textbook material, so about two lines of notes
8) get distracted for a rather long time
9) decide I should work again, go back to books, remember that I had a ball of yarn on the coffee table, decide that it needs to get wound into a ball instead of the tangled mess it was
10) establish that I want to make some baked tofu, put in marinade
11) return to books, take some more notes, although still not finishing that segment
12) family returns, put tofu in oven
13) get distracted
14) do a bit more on notes
15) eat supper
16) get on computer (where I am now)
ha, that was nice and long-winded, but you get my point, in the course of a day I accomplished barely anything on one of my FOUR courses, bleh, I fail, majorly. And I seriously doubt I will do anything more, or at least not enough to count as I have rehearsal from 7:30-9:00, then I will likely come home and waste time, then commence being ensnared by the telly at 10 (poo to roommates getting me hooked on Greys Anatomy and my issue with needing to know what happens in the end, thus making me horribly ensnared in terms of TV series) waste more time and then go to bed. Yay life wasting.
Okay, sorry to whoever reads this as that was a nice waste of time for them. So I shall end this now.
Hermit
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