Disregard this.

I've decided to write because I'm freakin' out and I need something to calm me down. I'm operating on binary right now: super mellow and crazy frantic. I don't want to be crazy frantic, but super mellow doesn't do anything for me either. There needs to be some middle ground, but in the middle of all these assignments, it's pretty hard to find. I start working, and things get hectic. I take a break, and things come to a standstill. I need some way of doing things until they're done--focusing on one thing at a time, prioritising--all that nice stuff they taught you in high school. But my goodness everything comes at once and I spend too much time enjoying my day to get at it! My wheels are spinning, dudes and ladies. My brain is too fast and my body is too slow. I can't articulate my ideas because there's so much in my head. Good gracious, this isn't helping at all. It's been a long time since I've felt this complete shut-down stress. I think it got completely out of hand with that new sculpture assignment: build something massive with 8-foot planks. I don't know how to build! I've never built anything in my life! The only "training" I got was a half-hour lecture on what to do if your fingers get cut off in the woodshop. I think the problem here is one of demographic. All the other people in my class have had extensive experience in the field of sculpture; they entered this class because they're passionate about sculpting, carving, and building. I, on the other hand, joined because I needed a 3-d class to pass first year and I didn't want to do 3-d fibre. Ahaha! Look where my idea of a :slack class" got me!

A quick suggestion

Go outside and look at the leaves. They'll be covered with snow before you know it.

Sometimes I miss being able to look at art and just enjoy it. The "that's so cool" factor is still there, but now it's coupled with a nagging "I'll never be able to do something like that". Creativity is hard to come by, and all the ideas I thought were brilliant have been done to death. Making something "cliche" has become my greatest fear. I get the feeling that my ideas are inadequate now that I'm surrounded by brilliance. Art is no longer far-off and separate; artists are no longer behind the curtain. Everything is right there. These great artists are my classmates, and I feel like I have to keep up with them to be worthy. I've lost a lot of confidence in these past few months, and it's getting harder and harder to realise my own self-worth. This feeling of losing in a competition isn't doing me any good. I wish it was easier to shift my perspective.